The paradox of pleasure and pain

As living organisms we have been equipped with a pleasure / pain system. Our emotional pleasure system is short lived; our emotional pains system is long lived. Our physical pleasure system is short lived, our physical pain system is also short lived. It seems that the emotional pain system creates a memory that needs to be managed. Understanding the paradox of pleasure and pain puts our emotions into the appropriate context and helps us live happier lives.

Whilst we are prone to seek pleasure and avoid pain, we have a counteracting mechanism that disarms pleasure and prolongs pain. Not so long ago, in terms of evolution, our survival depended on our capacity to manage pain more than on our capacity to manage pleasure, therefore, our body is biologically structured to over react to pain and under react to pleasure. Our mind plays an important role in these relationships, we also over react to the idea of pain: that is what we call fear.

Media moguls know this well, our news should be called bad news, the prelude to pain captures our attention in a much more robust way that the prelude of pleasure.

The memory of pain is long lived, yet the feeling of pain is not. We create a larger than real expectation of pain in our mind. We don’t need to burn our hand twice to remember it is painful. Pleasure, on the contrary, is short lived, once we experience it, our brain starts to discard the molecules created by it as if they were a toxin. Our de-pleasurizing mechanism is amazingly dissapointing. Exactly the opposite happens to pain, we are wired to avoid it, yet once we experience it, it lingers there and there and there. With some tips we can manage both to have a healthier life.

If we are make to seek pleasure and to avoid pain, we can prolong the joy of pleasure by focusing on the pre pleasure stage and we can reduce the effect of pain by managing our fears before the pain happens – if at all. Once we are into the feeling, the pleasure will cease, the pain will linger.

Psychologists have long studied the effect of the pre-pleasure stage. It is commonly referred to as the anticipation process. When we are planning our vacation, imagining a date, preparing a meal, or setting up a party, we can pre-enjoy our pleasure. We can imagine how we are going to feel that is positive, we can indulge in the process of planning and getting ready. The anticipation process gives meaning to the phrase: “It is the journey, not the destination.” Prolonging our pre-pleasure stage makes sense considering that the pleasurable stage is short lived.
Pain on the contrary is long lived. When we think we might not meet our goal we are actually prolonging our pain both ways, before and after the actual event. Sometimes fears are reasonable, sometimes we exaggerate them…

When we lived in caves it may have made sense to have a raised awareness of fear because of survival. Today, however, we are bombarded by fear that might have absolutely no impact on our lives.

Understanding the paradox of pleasure and pain gives us a powerful tool to live more fulfilling lives. We might not be able to fast track evolution, but we surely can use our brains to work around it. The anticipation of pleasure sets us free, the anticipation of pain makes us worried –helplessly worried. Understanding and managing these differences helps us live healthier and happier lives.

Fall in love with your life,

Alicia

PD: our proof was sent yesterday. We are close to our august launch!

The magic of small tasks

Small tasks can do wonders to alleviate a sense of sadness or melancholy. By doing so, our brain is distracted preventing the front lobe to seek negative thoughts from long term memory. The trick is to pick a small task that we are most likely to finish, it is not the time to make important decisions, but to get things done!

When we are sad our body feels like shutting down. It is in those times of reflection that the front lobe wants to make sure the feeling is valid. To so, it calls the long term memory and brings up images from times where the emotion was similar… Chances are that because we are alive, we do accumulate both positive and negative memories.

The search on the bank of memories –yes, at the back of our brain- happens when we are down, have you noticed that when we are positive we do not need to rely on previous experiences? We don’t need reassurance when we are ecstatic or thrilled. It seems that we do not store overjoy anywhere. We just feel it.

When we are gloomy, frustrated or sad, our brain gets very busy leveraging on our misery, bringing past experiences that have nothing to do with the present to validate our feelings. In such circumstances our body asks for inactivity, so it can do the energy-depleting exercise of sorting out our memories to find exactly the ones that are aligned with the emotion that is holding us down.

Perhaps that was a good coping mechanism when we lived in caverns, and we weren’t able to sit and watch TV and open the fridge to grab a bite. It was probably the time to paint, to think, and to sulk. Without any activity, however, our brain keeps wiring back and validating our emotions. In the times of the caverns –or actually in some regions- the sense of sadness can only last as long as we don’t have to get up and go out to seek food.

Unlike the pre-historic times, however, we are now aware of how our brain works and how we can manage our thoughts to manage our feelings.

When our ancestors painted and did manual work they were counteracting sadness and melancholy. It is because both problem solving uses the same area in our brain that is used to search in the bank of our term memory. Without much energy to embark in problem solving, we might as well rest. Yet, inaction, even mental inaction is not a cure for sadness. That is when small tasks become a blessing.

When we are gloomy, taking care of a small short task is magical. We get our brain to work on finishing a small task instead of allowing it to seek for reasons or validations that we can’t change, as they are in the past. Whether it is cleaning a drawer, making a pie, fixing that door, planting a pot, or completing a puzzle, keeping your mind occupied on doing something that you can finish magically wipes away the sadness.

A moment of sadness is the perfect time to finish up that small task that has been in our to-do list. Your brain will be busy sorting out how to finish it, and you will feel accomplished... this is one of the secrets of finding happiness and preventing depression.

If you are sad, take action and embark on a small task.

Crusoeing to the point of positivism

Whenever you feel that you are stuck, in a situation where you can longer prosper, using the method described in Robinson Crusoe will help immensely.

Published in 1917, the novel takes us through the journey of a castaway in a remote island in the Caribbean. Think about it, the poor guy is stranded in a deserted island, with nobody to talk to, hungry, naked, lost… Slowly but surely he starts building his nest and on the few occasions he finds other people, they are either cannibals or pirates, rescuing a cannibal whom he called Friday. He waits and waits to be rescued… and over and over he needs to find hope when hope is lost. No wonder, Crusoe felt depressed.

As the story shows, we are not our circumstances, but our approach to them. At one point, he sits down to write the evil and the good in his situation. In a nutshell (and following the book’s language) he writes for example:

Evil: I am alone
Good: I was saved

Evil: I am hungry
Good: there is food around (I’m not in winter)

Evil: I have no clothing
Good: the weather is not cold

And so the list goes on… for each negative, he finds a counterpart that is positive. So, instead of thinking that he has landed in paradise, he goes onto crafting a way of thinking that both acknowledges the negatives that he is experiences but at the same time forces his brain to think about the positives.

Using this Minus-Plus system helps us stretch our brain, and by doing so, we are rebooting our neuronal connections, reinforcing the positive connections that are not cared for when we feel sad, stressed or frustrated. At the same time, we are responsibly acknowledging that the negative has its space… a space that has to be shared not filled!

This is by the way, one of the basis of Cognitive Behaviour Therapy, used by psychotherapists to treat some mental illnesses.


Fall in love with your life…
Alicia

FYI: the original novel was written by Alan Dafoe under this title: The Life and strange Surprizing Adventures of Robinson Crusoe of York, Mariner: Who lived Eight and Twenty Years, all alone in an un-inhabited Island on the coast of America, near the Mouth of the Great River of Oroonoque; Having been cast on Shore by Shipwreck, where-in all the Men perished but himself. With An Account how he was at last as strangely deliver'd by Pyrates. Written by Himself"

Thriving together

Patricia Schiavone writes from Uruguay that she has finished one of her dreams: her ebook "Thriving Together".

I met Patricia online when she has starting to reinvent herself. In few months, she was able to leave a job she didn't like, whilst creating a similar income doing exactly what she loves doing: writing. She has also managed to restart playing drums and enjoyes more time with her son.

We spoke about the power of intention last year, when I set my goals to do a couple of world tours - done already by May, a third one coming in September.

We have both reached our goals and are loving it. Never to be content, we are looking forward to our next challenges.

She is a living example that when we are in love with our life, we become unstoppable.

Here is her site

www.thrivingtogether.com

I highly recommend her book.

Thriving together,
Alicia

Start a trend

Starting a trend is easier than we think... the magic number is three...

There is a saying in Spanish: One is a loner, two is a couple, three is a multitude..

The first one makes a move... the pioneer... another might or might not follow.
The second one creates a balance... connects
The third one creates a trend... a multitude...

Watch how this works on a Sasquatch Music Festival... Enjoy it!

Testing your love competencies

Robert Epstein, whom I met in February this year in California, discussed his new program: Making love.

I love his work and have beent trying to bring him down under. I'm sure you will enjoy his mix of scientific foundations, empirical testing and lots of good humour.

Whilst I think that we owe it ourselves for fall in love with our life first, I'm sure we can take his learnings for our own self improvement.

Take the test and find for yourself about your personal profile and your love skills here http://myloveskills.com

I'm sure you will have a ball.

What is your legacy?

Today is Friday evening and I am celebrating...

I want to have a profound joy tip, celebrating the life of my elders. My mum and dad whom I saw in Venezuela few weeks ago, and my mother in law who made me return to be at her side during her last days.

I had forgotten that death is part of life. I remember my friend Salim Abi Saab in my home country who told me once: we only 'have to' die, all the rest we do because we want to. And I've been thinking heaps (a lot in Ozzie English) about what my legacy will be.

For once, we've established some basic rules about our lives whilst we can make those decisions. No need to end in a Schiavo case, but those events are a call to action. We now know SOME wishes about the rest of our family members, but please don't make your legacy a headache for those behind.

When we think about our death, we open up the possibility to make the most of our today. Write your best memories now. Make a time capsule, pick your music, chose your flowers, your resting place, celebrate your life as if it was ending now....

We don't pick when we get in -lesson learnt with my grand daughter- we don't pick when we get out... but sure enough whatever is in the middle is all up to us.

Here is to your legacy